Turning 50 -- Day 2 -- Red Hat Ladies

Yesterday I was so full of eager anticipation about the challenge of this blog. I was certain that I would daily sit to record my thoughts, confident that I would know just which direction to go, whether to reminisce and reflect, or dream and celebrate. Well, I've been thinking about today's post for more than 24 hours, and the theme has only come to me in the last 30 minutes, after much mental thrashing about. I sure hope it comes easier as I go on!

Anyway, I thought today it might be good to answer the question, "What's the big deal, anyway?" I've had quite a few comments already, a surprising number, to tell you the truth, and they've come from almost every perspective. Friends who have already passed this milestone (and other, greater ones, I might add) have written to offer encouraging words, like, "Enjoy! It's the beginning of the best time in your life!" Several friends have written to say, "Fifty! No way! You are much too young for that!" Not one person has yet said anything patronizing like, "Oh, honey, just wait. Fifty is nothing," though I'm sure several have thought it. And a few people have actually thanked me for launching this journey and expressed their desire to walk through it with me. I'm humbled, truly.

There have been enough interested responses that I started asking myself today, "Well, Lee Ann, what is the big deal, after all?" So, I have ruminated and thrashed about, and finally came up with an analogy at the end of this long day. Any men reading this post will not completely understand, so forgive me, but I think most women will answer with a resounding, "Amen!"

Twenty-five years ago, I comforted myself, in assessing my increasing girth, with the fact that I had my father's "big bones." Truth is, my bones have been so thoroughly encased in a cushion of flesh and fat for so long that I have no idea how big they are! When I was a tiny little girl, my bones were boney...skinny, knobby, pencil posts. When I became a teenager and started developing curves, I think my bones were still fairly small, but it didn't take long for my protective covering to obliterate any clear vision of the bones. Well, these days, I'm just downright fat. There, I've said it. We'll deal with that on another day.

Back to the analogy at hand... My generous proportions have to be made presentable to the world every single morning. So I begin my daily routine by strapping myself in with rubber and lycra and metal hooks, and cinching up the shoulder straps as tightly as I can stand, and then hope that my jostling and jiggling will be neither distracting nor disgusting to anyone I am with during the day.

And when I come home, the first thing I do is release myself from the bondage! Yep, I come in the back door, pass through the kitchen and living room, make a quick left into my bedroom, and shed myself of the wretched contraption before I pet the dog, stop in the toilet, or even hug my son. Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!

Maybe I can help you men understand a bit. Wearing this innovative fashion accessory for 12 to 15 hours every day might be akin, I think, to wearing an athletic cup for that same length of time. It is not God-given equipment, and its function is more for utility than for comfort. It binds and pinches more and more as the day goes on, and fairly screams to be removed by days' end.

And what does that have to do with Turning 50? Well, in some ways, I feel that I have lived the first half-century of my life (there, isn't that optimistic?) in similar bondage. In an effort to live well, fit within the cultural norms of the day, make myself presentable, and even in recent years, cover some of my flaws, I have taken on "unnatural equipment," emotionally and spiritually, for certain. The result, at the end of the day, is a sense of bondage in some areas of my life of which I am ready to be shed.

When we lived in Kansas City, we would often see small and large groups of women clad in purple with red hats, joining the ranks of Jenny Joseph's old women casting off aged sobriety in favor of unrestrained youth. I have vowed that I would never dress that way in public (or private, for that matter), but I do like the sentiment. Why do we do this to ourselves? We play tapes in our heads every minute of every day that remind us to sit up straight, don't talk with our mouths full, use our inside voices, speak only when spoken to, and on and on and on until we remake ourselves in a socially respectable form that little resembles the glorious, free creatures God has made us to be.

As I am Turning Fifty, I want to cast off restraint. No, I do not intend to indulge in all of the fleshly pursuits of youth that I missed. Shoot, I didn't miss that many of them, nor did they provide any real satisfaction or pleasure when I was indulging! Nor do I intend to start permitting myself to say and do anything at anytime, and to heck with the consequences! But here are a few of the things that I would like to cast off so that I can begin this second half with more freedom and joy, and thus, bring a little more joy to those in the wake of my journey:

1. I want to stop second-guessing every conversation I have. If I say something I shouldn't, I want to learn to ask forgiveness when needed, or just have a good laugh at myself for stupidity.
2. I want to stop being so cautious about expressing my thoughts. If I say something that you don't agree with, you and I should be able to laugh and love one another, and stumble through until we either agree to disagree or find the truth together.
3. I want to stop carrying around the dust of disgruntled villagers. Remember when Jesus told the disciples to speak peace to any place they entered? He went on to say that they should stay as long as they were welcome, but if they were rejected, they should just go, shaking the dust off their feet as they went. I've been carrying around too much dust. I don't want to be callous or indifferent to those I might offend, but I also don't want to have my feet so weighted down by disappointment and discouragement that I fear entering another village.
4. I want to stop avoiding some things because others might disapprove. I learned a long time ago that God's laws were given, not to deny me of pleasure, but to protect me from harm. At this point in my life, I have no desire to enter into debauchery, I'm just too old and tired! But there are some things in life that some of my strait-laced friends look down upon, and which I avoid in order not to raise any eyebrows. Well, I want to be done with that. I'm going to enjoy life. I'm not going to harm anyone, and I'm not going to set a bad example. But I am also not going to occupy this holier-than-thou podium anymore. My mother used to quote some Christian leader who said he feels that when we get to heaven, God will say, "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it more. I certainly intended for you to do so!" I'm going to throw off prudity in favor of the pleasure He gives.
5. I want to cast off bitterness and unforgiveness. That's a big one. I'll deal with it more and in greater depth as I make this journey. But more than any other bondage, it is my refusal to fully forgive, to extend the grace that is not earned and the mercy that is not deserved, that keeps my own heart bound up in darkness and despair. Enough. God helping me, I'm going to learn to be like Jesus in this.

I suppose that's enough for today. And gracious, please don't write back tomorrow asking me if I'm free, yet! Jesus said, "[She] whom the Son sets free is free indeed." Paul echoed the thought with, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and don't let yourselves be burned again by a yoke of slavery."

I'm throwing off the yoke, people! Join me!